John O'Donohue quote

Praise the pure presence of fireThat burns from withinWithout thought of time.

- a useful reminder, to not worry about life passing by,
but to fully live it now

2 links on love

from The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education
Range of compassion news: http://ccare.stanford.edu/news
Interview with researcher on compassion: (Tania Singer) http://ccare.stanford.edu/node/89 

This is not true: "NVC can connect anyone to anyone, always"

Many people express pain when they believe Nonviolent Communication should enable lasting connection between any two people - I would say there is absolutely zero hope of this* - but NVC can help two people get to unity quicker, for example, to get to agreement that they aren't going to be in regular contact. Since I reached this understanding I have had much less stress and conflict in my life, especially with NVC people!

* because of personality clashes, circumstances, preferences, differences in style, cultural differences, different priorities in NVC learning, different life priorities, and above all different needs in relation to communication/friendship at any one time.

Terrorists who stopped

Dr Rosenberg, www.NonviolentCommunication.com

I had the experience of giving listening empathy to a former Tamil Tiger as part of an IIT with Marshall Rosenberg. Unfortunately I don't have a recording of this, but I really like this programme on hostage negotaitors:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/documentaries/2010/05/100524_thank_you_for_my_freedom.shtml
There's a beautiful example of human connection, right at the end, between a negotiator and a former captor.

empathy from Spock

Marshall Rosenberg has pointed out that people often do terrible things because they want someone to know how they feel.  There's a great example of this in the newest Star Trek movie. The bad guy Nero is very upset because his home planet was destroyed. He blames Spock and in order to get the empathy he needs he decides he will in turn destroy Spock's home planet. I can't find any clips that show Nero demonstrating this need for empathy, but here's the actor who plays him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y7ZrTlsbok
Drawing by bglasgow, www.flickr.com, CC: attribution sharealike

more on compassionate emailing when angry

OK let's say you have to communicate urgently, 

you can't phone a friend and none of the other suggestions work so you're just going to go ahead and write an email with quite a few points in it............ remember:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPLY TO EVERY POINT

1. Don't look at the original email/text which set off your anger. Instead work out the most important things you need to say right now.
2. Write the email, broken into parts.
3. Try to work out what need of yours you are trying to meet in each part - if it doesn't seem likely that the reply from the other person will meet that need - delete!
4. Email it to yourself
5. Imagine you are the other person reading the email - does each part meet any need of yours? If not - delete.If yes - clarify that you are hoping to meet that need of the other person's.
6. You'll then (hopefully) be left with just 1-3 paragraphs that may meet a need of both yours and the other persons, and contain a simple, doable request.

Photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar, www.flickr.com

more on compassionate emailing and texting

So let's suppose you're angry and you feel you HAVE to communicate very soon, and the phone is not an option. The best tip is: 

First call a friend and get a good listening to:

The friend should be someone who:
- listens first
- won't join in with your negative perceptions of the person concerned, but will instead help you get in touch with your unmet needs  
- ideally someone who is skilled in empathic listening 
- with this friend:

• Try to work out what needs of yours you are trying to meet by sending whatever message you now want to send - you may find that you can better meet the need in another way.
• Check out the comments after this post for an example.
• It's good to have an list of empathy friends to call or Skype i.e. people who have agreed to offer this support to you. People often agree to support each other in this way, but this is optional, especially for beginners.

Photo credit: HMV

Compassionate texting

Text messages can be even more difficult than emails to do in a way that connects rather than alientates, especially if you are angry. The saving grace is that they are quite short!

Remember, if in doubt, call!!!

If calling is impossible, consider a question rather than an angry statement. For example, rather than "I told you not to text me on this number!" try instead 

"Do you remember we talked about this being my personal number?"

All the best!


Photo credit: kiwanga www.flickr.com

Online practice group

This will be using the internet, and will start in May 2011.

* especially for people who are in places with few NVC folk

* will help develop skills

* good internet connection needed

* call +44 7501 444047 for more info

For more info or to register, call +44 7501 444047 or skype: andyraytaylor

It will run for 8 weeks with a small charge.

Photo credits:  Augapfel and Klessblog, www.flickr.org

How not to annoy people

So many of us start talking to someone without checking if they have willingness to listen - this is a suicidally bad strategy. Always start communicating by checking if it's a good time ....... unless you are sure that it is.

Photo credits: Flickr William R Franklin and carbonNYV

Compassionate emailing #2

Top tip:
Pick up the phone!

Disadvantages of email:

1. the other person can't hear the tone of your voice, or where you are putting stress in the sentence.
2. you can't hear the other person's reaction, and pause to clarify
3. you can't check of this is a good time for communication

So if at all possible:

•  pick up the phone and ask if this is a good time to talk.
• Or send an email and arrange a time to talk.

Photo credit: www.flickr.com frerieke

Advantages of Skype

* you can SEE the baby
* you can work from home
* sound is great
* it's free ( from www.skype.com)
* you can look at the same screen


Photo: www.flickr.com/photos/goforchris/1356119961/sizes/m/

Compassionate e-mailing #1

... is one of the hardest things in the world. 
Top tip:
........Never email when angry! 

1. if you need to write, fine, but send the email to an address of your own, or to a friend who is expecting it, not to the person connected to the anger
2. find a friend to talk to/phone about the anger, and what you would have liked instead of what happened
3. figure out how you can get what you need without involving the original person
4. try to guess what they may have been needing when they did what they did
5. work out whether you want to contribute to their well-being by communicating with them (and if you don't, best to avoid communicating or ask for a personal meeting, ideally with a friend who likes you both)

Nonviolent Communication / NVC via Skype and telephone

Hi!


Welcome to NVC / Nonviolent Communication by phone and Skype!


I also offer mediation by phone and Skype.


Ray

Current location:

Bristol Bath west

England

UK

Testing:


NVC by Skype

NVC on Skype

Nonviolent Communication by Skype

Nonviolent Communication on Skype
communication skills
communication coaching